November 9th Fake Mail

Monday is normally when sites NBA.com. ESPN.com and Sports Illustrated release their power rankings. The top teams remained the same, with Boston first, then the Lakers, then surprisingly the Magic were ahead of the Suns, despite Orlando's stunning blowout loss to the Thunder. Still, there is some subjectivity required to make a good decision about teams and their current prowess. On to the fake mail.

Spurs are finally going to win on an even year. With all the right pieces in place and some fresh new players on board, they are poised to remain the class of the league. Spurs starters are only playing 52% of the minutes so far, which means they'll be rested come playoff time. Mark my words: best franchise in modern NBA history.
--Clayton, San Antonio

Wow, class of the league huh? While that's clearly not true, the Spurs have no shot at winning. None, zero and zilch. But let's beat up on your ludicrous statement about them being the best franchise. Not only are they some of the least talented teams to ever win the title, but they are the literal dark ages of basketball entertainment. In 2007, the Spurs set a record low for the lowest ratings in NBA finals history, which replaced the previous low from when San Antonio was in the finals in 2003.

As for the current roster, they got Richard Jefferson who was--with Duncan-- a part of the 2004 USA Olympic team that won. Bronze. Jefferson has always had potential, but in his ninth season, I have my doubts that he will ever be more than mediocre in this league. Also they have the surgically repaired remains of Antonio McDyess, a good player but an old player who will not take them to the next level. Also, Duncan and Parker are both currently injured, and with Timmy being over the ten million hours played mark and having a history of Plantar Fasciatis, don't expect him to ever play consistent minutes again.

Even last year when they had their guys, they weren't the same. They were easily dispatched by a pretty mediocre Mavs team. So they're done as contenders. Thank goodness.

How about the Rockets? I'm not thinking title, but maybe a nasty first round and potential trip to the second round? These guys are playing hard and are a tough match up for pretty much every team in the league.
--Trent, Houston

Hmm... I don't know about second round, but it's tough to picture this squad going down easy. I do feel like a big part of their match up trouble is caused by the lightning bolt they call Aaron Brooks. Plus, although we don't know the exact details, it looks like Tracy McGrady could be making his come back sooner than expected.

If McGrady comes back to what is at least a nice supporting cast, then they could really make a top four team in the West have a miserable first round. Which just sounds delightful, doesn't it? I thought it was fun how much they made the Lakers sweat last season, and if they pushed the purple and gold to seven games again this year, that would definitely make the next round a more interesting story for Phil Jackson and crew.

In case you've forgotten, McGrady is fourth on the NBA playoff all time top scoring average list, and has wreaked plenty of havoc on the court with his shooting touch and clutchness. (Watch that whole thing; one of the great moments in Sports, and a lesson to never leave early.)

Do the Jazz really have what it takes in this league? At least do you think Williams is MVP material?
--Cameron, Nowhereville, Utah

Well Cameron, not right now is a good answer to both questions. The Jazz are in a bad way, just eeking out a win against a very bad New York team, but they also have shown glimpses of greatness, such as the first three quarters in their game against Dallas, or the whole game against San Antonio. But losing a game when you have a 16 point lead in the fourth, or losing to a Kings team that was lottery bound already and then lost their leading scorer... they're in a tough spot right now.

Williams isn't really an MVP contender this year because of that last paragraph. As has been proved by Dwyane Wade last year, as well as Kobe Bryant in 2006, even ridiculous stats (don't forget that Bryant did this) when you're on a bad/mediocre team can't get you the MVP award. So while he should finally make the all star team this season, we'll need to wait for both of the great young point guards-- Chris Paul is a little better than Williams still-- to have better teams.

I can help. I promise man. I mean, I just want to play on a team that needs me. I know there has to be a team that needs a guy who will push the ball, shoot without a conscience and push the team to compete harder than ever. Please let me just go somewhere better.
--Allen Iverson, Las Vegas

Oh yeah. If Iverson gets out of this current contract it's New York or bust. That's his only option. He could help that team as long as they're willing to bring Chris Duhon off the bench. We know if they sign him it's for one year only, so why not? It doesn't eat into they're cap for next season, which is what they're worried about, although I'm sure that since they've paid the luxury tax for so many bad seasons they would gladly pay it to recruit LeBron, so I'm not worried about that. I say do it D'Antoni.

Disagree with some points made here? Have something against fake mail messages? Let me know at jackhoops@gmail.com

November 5th Fake Mail

All those comments about the undefeated Suns sure seem outdated just one day later, don't they? Perhaps that's why people don't enjoy monthly magazines about Sports as much as they once did. Let's take a look at some more fake mail.

Carter can't seem to stay in the game! Vince is the softest player in the league. This sprained ankle is just another smudge on a career of a guy who just quits.
--Jose, Toronto

Yikes! Accusing Vince Carter of having weak ankles is kind of like accusing Shaq of being tall. That having been said, Vince is a super talent who's not only capable of dropping a lot of points, but he's one of the clutchest players ever. A little trivia: of current players in the NBA who has the best game winning shot percentage? Carmelo Anthony. The worst? Kobe Bryant.

Nobody can beat LA! They was the best last year, plus all they young guns is back, plus Artest is an upgrade over Ariza. Bynum is the beast, no one will stop them. KOBE 4 MVP!
--Todd, Los Angeles


Tough one there. I agree with you that Artest is a major upgrade over Ariza just because of his strength, and I don't subscribe to the belief that he could hurt that team. He did one stupid thing over five years ago, I don't think he's a real risk to a team with that much talent. I don't see anyone beating the Lakers either unless A) another contender makes a major trade (The Celtics trade Brian Scalabrine for LeBron, etc...) or B) if Pau Gasol's injury is worse than predicted. He's a very underrated player who took the Lakers from first round fodder to the Finals, and although they would still be great without him, they won't be a sure thing without the big Spaniard.

What's the deal? Will the Jazz make the playoffs? Carlos Loozer is Greg Ostertag reincarnated and the Jazz are better without him. Milsap can carry the load.

--Trevor, Provo


I hope your pretty wasted as your writing this, since it's really stupid. Milsap is a good player who I like, but an all-star he is not. He's a hustle guy who would help any team in the NBA, but Boozer is the real deal. It's a fact that the only thing in Utah shorter than Ronnie Price is how long the fans remember success. Boozer is not only key to Utah's success, but he's a rare commodity in the NBA. How many guys get you 20 and 10 in this league? The answer is Tim Duncan, Al Jefferson, Carlos Boozer... end of list. That's really it, so to say "we don't need this guy" is just dumb. Jazz will make the playoffs. Sloan doesn't like to miss them.

All of the talk in NY is resting on LeBron signing with the Knicks. What if we don't get him? Should I just stick with Baseball?
--Mike, New York

I don't think everything should rest on that. The Knicks have enough cap space to sign two stars, even if they do get LeBron. But even if they only got Wade and Amare, or Wade and Bosh plus a few nice role players, suddenly New York has experienced a Celtics/Garnett-esque revival and is a contender. Fear not, basketball will live on in the Garden.

Don't like what I wrote? Don't like imaginary questions? Send your thoughts to jackhoops@gmail.com.